


The Pothead Flower Shop Boy

by Sagiberry



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-11-29 00:19:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11429268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagiberry/pseuds/Sagiberry
Summary: After Connor's failed suicide attempt, his parents decide the best thing for him would be some peace, and they figured the best place for that would be his uncle's flower shop. Connor actually likes working there and is happy to put on his apron everyday. One day, a boy comes in asking to see the tree section. He looks up to see that it's Evan Hansen, the boy he pushed in anger and confusion not too long ago. Who also might be the boy he's head over heels on love with. With Evan coming to the shop more and the more, and the two of them becoming closer and closer, what will happen to not only Connor's feelings, but Evan's too?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [iisugat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/iisugat/gifts).



Everything is dark. It feels like I'm falling into oblivion. I can't comprehend anything that's happening. I hear voices and the beeps of machines, but only as echo's, as if they were far away. I hear my mom sobbing, begging me to come back. I hear Zoe yelling at me, telling me to grow a pair and wake up. I even hear Larry promising to be the dad I need if I just wake up. But I don't really want to wake up. This nice, black, endless oblivion is quite peaceful.

Peaceful. A word that hasn't been in my vocabulary for years now. What a nice word with nice sounds. I don't understand why it isn't used more often.

I hear the beeping increase, but I don't pay attention to it, because all I can see is that speck of light. Light? I've been here for so long and there's never been light. Why now? I approach it, curious as to what it is and what it'll do.

I stand next to it, staring at its beauty. It was like being close to star, but not as huge balls of gas, as little blips in the sky.

I reach out and touch it, expecting to find a little ball of light in my hand, but instead, that little bit of light turned into a hospital room with everything bright and clear. I heard everything properly, nothing was an echo. All the colors in the room were so bright, it almost hurt to look.

I frowned. I do not want to die in a hospital room, but what can I do? I get up off the bed and walk out through the door. 

I'll be honest, I was expecting hell. Instead I got a memory from years ago when I was still in little league. 

"So, the little boy thinks he can catch, huh?"

"I'm not little! I'm almost seven!"

"Being almost seven won't help you catch this curve ball!" Larry said as he threw the ball at such an angle, I don't think even Larry could've caught that.  
I smile fondly. This is one of my best memories of Larry. One of the times I felt like I had a dad I could rely on.  
I move on forward, not sure what I'll see next.

By some weird logic of my brain, leaving the backyard takes me into the kitchen. I breathe in the scents of strawberry pie, something Cynthia hadn't made in a long time. Not since my twelfth birthday. Not since I start smoking pot.

"Oh, Connor! You weren't supposed to come out yet. It was supposed to be a surprise!" Cynthia says, upset at the ruined surprise.

"Mom, you could lock me in my room and I'd still smell the pie." I feel twelve year old me run through not-really-supposed-to-be-here-me, and it feels quite strange. By that I mean I didn't feel anything at all. Its like I'm not actually here.

"If you go set the table, we can celebrate as soon as Zoe gets back," Mom said, her smile breathtakingly beautiful. She looked so young here. Was it really me that put all those years on her?

I shake my head. Even if I was the reason, I'm doing her a favor by disappearing. No more random bursts of anger, no one there that talks back at every word, no kid that smokes pot. No kid thats an absolute mess and failure.

This memory isn't one I leave smiling.  
In the next memory, I'm in Zoe's room sitting on her desk chair while she was getting her makeup supplies out.  
"So why do you need me when you have your own face?" 

"I told you, I'm not putting makeup on my own face, so I have to see how well I can do it on others' faces," Zoe says it with such deep frustration, I feel bad for forgetting how many times I rejected her before agreeing.

"What was your play again?" I wasn't actually interested, I just wanted to hear say her something to me in a tone that didn't make me feel like a piece of shit.

"It's not a play, it's a musical. And I've told you already, it's Beauty and the Beast,"

I see myself snort. "That isn't basic at all."

I hear Zoe laugh and I see her smile, and I remember why this my favorite memory with her. This was two days before I threatened to kill her. Two days before I was permanently shit beneath her shoe. It was the last time we talked. 

Whatever. Doesn't matter. Just another person I'll be helping by leaving this shitty world. No one needs my shitty ass in their life, especially not Zoe. I leave this memory, not sure what other one is worth remembering.

But the next one feels . . . different. I'm not observing anything, I'm not remembering it. I'm reliving it.  
I feel the wods coming out of my mouth and I have no power to stop them. "So . . . um, what happened to you arm?"

And then I see his face have the same look as it did before. A look of panic and fear. I always thought he was scared of me, but reliving it makes me realize it was something else . . .

"Oh, I um fell out of a tree, actually,"

"Fell out of a tree? Thats the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Oh my god."

"I know," he says quietly, as if he kept quiet, the topic wouldn't come back.

"No one signed you cast," I say, as I point at the cast on his left arm. I'm sure that made him feel fucking great, way to go Connor.

"No, I know,"

"Well, I'll sign it," like he wanted the freak to sign his cast.

"You don't have to," he says, clearly uncomfortable. See? He definitely doesn't want the freak to sign his cast.

"Do you have a sharpie?" I ask, holding out my hand. I kinda wished he put his hand in mine, but all he did was hand me his sharpie.

I step towards him until I'm close enough to smell his shampoo. There was nothing special about it, it was your average shampoo scent of citrus acid and soap, but still. It smelled amazing.

He holds out his arm for me to sign his cast, and I grab and pull his arm a but too roughly, just to hear him say "Ow."

I don't know why it was necessary, but it was, and a small part of me was pleased with the reaction, while the other part wondered if I was a sadist.  
I write my name in big, sloppy letters, taking up a whole side of the cast.

"Oh . . . great . . . thanks . . ." Yeah, I wouldn't want the freak to sign my cast either. Much less in big, sloppy letters so that everyone could see, but I couldn't muster the emotion to feel sorry. 

Seeing my name on his cast made me say something that I still regret. "Now we can both pretend that we have friends," 

I turn around to walk away, expecting to see the school hallways, only to get darkness. 

"And where were you?!" I shout. My peaceful darkness had left me, and now it couldn't make me calm again. The one place I could feel calm without drugs, or a blade, or alcohol, when it was all just me, and now that's gone too. All I'm left with is what I've always had. Anger. White hot anger that would've melted an iceberg. I wanted to punch something. I want kill someone. I wanted to kill myself. I screamed and screamed until my voice was hoarse. I screamed at my family for being so lousy, I screamed at Kleinman for being an asshole, I screamed at the universe for having me exist in the first place. But most importantly, I scream at myself. I scream at myself for being such a fuck up, for screwing everyone around me and their lives. I scream at myself for taking those pills.

"DAMN YOU, DARKNESS, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? YOU WANT ME TO DIE? TO DISAPPEAR? SCREW YOU, I WON'T LET YOU TAKE ME."

"So, you don't want to die?"

I whip around so fast, that I trip and fall on my ass.

"Ev-Evan? What are you-"

"I'm not Evan," he said, cutting me off.

"Then who are you?"

"Do you want to die?" He asks again, holding out his left hand. The hand with the cast on. The cast with my big, sloppily written, name on it.

"I don't know . . ."

Not-Evan sighs I frustration. "Do you want to disappear?"

I think about it for a second, but the only thought in my head, is no. I don't want to disappear. "No," I whisper.

"What did you say?"

"No! I don't want to disappear!" I shout, surprised at my own words and how fast they came out. 

"Then take my hand," Not-Evan says, waving his left arm in my face. "Take my hand."

I stare at his hand. Not-Evan was very impatient, because he kept sighing and waving his hand in my face. Despite that, I did want to take it. I don't know where it would take me or what would happen, but the need to not disappear, to remembered as something or than shit, it was a strong need that drove me to take Not-Evan's left hand and stand up.

The last thing I remember before waking up in a hospital room is Not-Evan smiling, as if proud of me, which was weird considering how much of an ass Not-Evan seemed to be.


	2. Flowering Arabian Jasmine

I wake up to the sound of Zoe entering my hospital room. "What do you want Zoe? I'm tired."

Zoe glares at me, judgment clear in her eyes. "You've been sleeping for a week; I think you've gotten enough rest."

I roll my eyes. "I was in a damn coma. What the fuck do you want?"

Zoe nodded her head towards my arm. "How long?"

"What do you mean 'how long'? How long what?'

Zoe sigh, frustrated at my stupidity. "How long have you been doing this?" She said, pointing at the pale, thin scars across my right arm.

I stare at her for a moment, unblinking, before answering. "Eighth grade."

She stares at me, disbelief in her eyes. I don't blame her, considering there are only about ten on that arm.

"I started on my arms, but then I realized I should be doing it in . . . less visible areas," I manage to get out.

"What the hell, Connor," Zoe says as she puts her hands on her forehead. "How many do you have?"

"I don't know."

"Are you kidding me?" She laughs, slightly hysterical. "You don't know?"

I shrug. "Does it really matter?"

She explodes. "Does it really matter? Of course it matters, you fucking idiot, my brother is a depressed, suicidal, self-harming druggie, so yes! It does fucking matter!"

I’m actually pretty surprised Zoe cares, but then again, it might be for the family image. Either way, I'm too tired to deal with this shit right now. "Zoe,” I sigh, my head hitting the pillow, “can you leave?”

"Leave? Fuck no. I'm not leaving till we have a proper conversation about this.” Zoe says, finality in her voice.

"About what? About my cuts? My weed addiction? My fucking failed suicide attempt?” I scoff, practically laughing at the idea, “Zoe, why would I tell you? The only reason you're here right now is because we're siblings. It’s practically a required need. We're not brother-sister, you’re just the other being besides Larry and Cynthia that makes my life hell. You hate my guts."

"Because you're a goddamn asshole!" Zoe counters.

"Then leave!" I snap. My breathing starts to get heavy, and I start to see red. "You don't owe this asshole anything, so fucking leave already!"

Zoe flips me off. "Fuck you, Connor. I'm trying to be here for you since you obviously need someone." Zoe leaves, her figure tense with anger and annoyance.

I sigh and grab a fistful of my hair. 

I mean, in any other circumstance, I probably would have been grateful. It would have been nice, but why is it that I need someone after I try to kill myself? Plus, it’s obvious she can’t stand me; she was basically forcing herself to talk to me. 

Hell, I can't even stand myself, how is she supposed to?

I let go of my hair and silently look at the ceiling, wondering why in the name of God those pills didn't work.

~

"How do you feel, Connor? Are you nauseous? Are you sure you don't want a wheelchair? Or a cane maybe?" Mom rambles while gripping my arm to help me walk.

"Cynthia, I didn't have a surgery, I overdosed, I can walk fine." Although I did feel a bit nauseous, I wasn't going to tell her that.

Cynthia looks at me with surprise and hurt eyes. "Cynthia?" She whispers questioningly. 

I start to panic; she looks so upset and the last thing I want to do to is make her upset. Again.

"I dunno, I just feel like Cynthia is better because it's like I a have a friend and not just a mom, you know?" I ramble, hoping to calm her down.

I can see the hurt leave her eyes and watch it be replaced with hope and joy.

"Well, if you mean it like that I guess it's okay. But only if you promise that when you do get friends you'll call me Mom again. Deal?"

I wanted to tell her that the chances of me of getting a friend are so small, bacteria laugh at how small it is. But instead I mumble a quiet, "Deal."

Her smile is so wide, I wonder how big her frown will be once I disappoint her, like always. Just always disappointing, all the damn time. 

Not wanting to destroy her, like everything else I touch, I shake her grip off and start walk towards the bathroom on my own.

~

"So,” Larry clears his throat, “I was wondering, uh, maybe when you're fully recovered we got to the batting cages and hit some home runs?" Larry casually states as I walk out of the bathroom.

"Uh, no thanks. I hate sports." I denied, hoping that he’d leave in disappointment, but instead he tried again. 

"Well, how about the book store? I know that you love books. Or that old orchard we always went to when you and Zoe were kids. You loved it there," Larry presses, trying to get me to agree. 

"I'm good."

The one time I needed him to stop trying and he just wouldn't.

"How about-" Larry starts, but I immediately cut him off. 

"Larry," I hiss. "I said I'm good, now just leave already, damn it."

I can't say that the look on Larry's face is surprised. In fact, I think he was waiting for it. But the disappointment on his face is proof enough that he had hoped I wouldn't.

"Alright, son. I was just trying-"

"Yeah, I know you were trying and that’s just fucking dandy, but right now I just need you to leave, okay?" I mentally wince at the harshness in my voice, yet I don’t back down. 

“Yeah,” Larry mutters, turning, “get some rest and all that.” He walks away, and despite the scene before, I felt empty. 

 

~

"So, your parents told me what happened."

I look up to glare at my uncle. "And?"

Uncle John looked uncomfortable as he shifted from foot to foot. "Well, it's just that I know how hard it is for a kid to connect with their parents, so if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here."

I roll my eyes at his suggestion. "Uncle John, if I wanted to talk to someone, I'd talk to my friends. Besides, I barely know you and have only seen you about ten times in my short, seventeen years." Of course that was a lie because I have no friends, but Uncle John didn't need to know that.

You can see as the tension leave his body and watch as the relief that pours into it.

"Okay, but if you have any questions about the job, just call and ask. I may be in France, but I'll always be able to pick up the phone," He says, patting my head and ruffles my hair.

I wait until he leaves the store before I fix my hair and flip him off.

I tug at my hair in frustration. "I may be in France, but I'll always be able to pick up the phone," I say in a mocking voice. 

I rub my hands over my face and sigh. "I'm not even five minutes into the job and I need a smoke," I mumble into my hands.

Looking up, I see a customer at the front. I think about chasing them away, when they notice me.

"C-Connor Murphy?" Says a surprised voice.

My eyes go wide as I notice the cast on their left arm. The cast with my name on it. "Evan Hansen."

"W-what are y-you do-doing here?" I can practically see him shaking all the way from across the room.

I point at my apron and hope my cheeks aren't red. "I work here."

"O-Oh," he says quietly.

We both just stand there and let the silence grow bigger and bigger, until the awkward silence is all that's left.

Surprisingly, Evan is the first to break it. "S-So, I um, I heard. About yo-your, um, attempt."

I'm not surprised. News spreads fast in our school. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, and um, it p-probably doesn't matter to yo-you, but I'm glad you didn't, uh, didn't, you know." He mumbles, looking at the ground.

"Bite the dust?" I offer.

"Yes, bite the dust," he says.

"Can't say I am, but thanks," his facial expression makes me wonder if he actually does care, but I'm probably just being a hopeful fool. "So, what do you need?"

Evan's head shoots up so fast, I’m surprised it didn’t break off and hit the ceiling. "H-huh?"

"Well, you came to flower shop for a reason, right? Since you didn't know I was here, I'm guessing it wasn't to flirt with me." I say, raising an eyebrow. 

Evan starts to nervously fiddle with the hem of his striped shirt. "N-No, of course not! I wasn’t, you know, here to. Um, flirt. With you. I mean, I’m not saying you’re unattractive,” he rambles, his cheeks a deep scarlet, “It-It’s just that I’m not that confident. And we-well honestly you’d probably kill me. Bu-But yea, I was, I’m uh, here, to uh, see the trees." He finishes lamely. 

My eyebrows scrunch together. "We have trees here? I thought this was a flower shop."

"W-well, yeah, but, um, there's this little booth in the back full of small potted trees and I was-I was hoping, that, uh, that the Flowering Arabian Jasmine tree I ordered was-was here yet."

"You ordered a tree through my uncle?" I say while raising an eyebrow.

"We-Well, Mr.John offered, and I didn't want, I didn't want to say n-no and seem ru-rude, you, you know?"

"Not really, but okay."

"You've never w-wanted to be po-polite so bad, so bad that you just, just go along wi-with whatever someone sug-suggests?"

"Nope. Can't relate.” Actually, I can. I relate so much in this moment because I'm trying my hardest to be a real person on his eyes and not a monster. "Look, I just started today, so I don't really know if anything came in, so you can go check yourself."

Evan nods and heads towards the back, only to come back five minutes later with a disappointed look on his face.

"Wasn't there?"

"Uh, no."

"You say uh and um a lot."

"I, I do?"

"Yes. You also stutter and repeat half finished sentences a lot."

"We-well, I knew that."

I purse my lips, panicking over what to say next. 

"Th-thanks, um, for ev-everything. I'm going to leave, uh, bye," he says while waving his hand and opening the door. 

"Wait! Um, hold on a second!"

I don't know what drove me to say that, but I like to think that Satan did. 

I walk out from behind the counter and step beside him. "I'm sorry for, uh, pushing you down and stealing your letter." I nervously fiddle with my hoodie's left drawstring. 

Evan just silently watched me nervously fiddle for a second before replying. "Um, no no, you're good, it's, it's no big deal."

I bit my lip before spitting the next bit out. "Do you have a sharpie?"

Evan looked confused as he pulled out his sharpie and handed it to me.

"This," I say as I grab his cast and write my number right under my huge, sloppily written name. "Is my number. Feel free to call it anytime. I literally have no life."

Evan's eyes go wide as he stares at the string of numbers recently added to his cast.

"Well, yeah, bye, have a good day and all that shit," I say as I pray that he'll leave soon.

Thankfully, my prayers are answered and he turns to leave again, but just as I was about to sag my shoulders in relief, he turns around again.

"Connor, um, I know this is out, out of place, but er," his face turns pink a light pink as he says the rest of his sentence. "You look good in a pink apron." 

I feel my face heat up as he basically runs out if the store. 

I look down at my apron and silently thank my uncle for his stupid generic flower shop color scheme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so I had a little bit of help on this chapter because I was really panicking, and she was really helpful her acc is danyeldreamX check her out, her work is awesome. Thanks for reading this chapter and see you next chapter! (BTW, just in case anyone thought this is the last chapter, no there's so much more left, you crazy turnips)


	3. Flip Phone Emails

Evan nervously paced back and forth in his room, only stopping to give his phone short, panicked glances. 

 

"I can't believe I just texted him like that!" He whisper yells to himself.

 

The only thing that really gets Evan to stop pacing is the soft 'Ping!' noise his phone made.

 

He basically jumps onto his bed and grabs his phone, quickly reading Connor's reply to his simple 'Hey, this is Evan."

 

**Connor:** hey sorry its kinda annoying to text here. can we email?

 

Evan's eyes instantly jumped to the word "annoying" and he began to panic. _He already thinks I'm annoying,_ Evan gloomily thought to himself before reading the rest of the text and sighing in relief.

 

**Evan:** No, it's fine. My email is **TreesAreSoft**

 

**Connor:** k thx

 

_I wonder why he wants to email instead of text._

 

Giving it a second of thought before rambling, Evan finally decides on a reason.

 

"He probably wants it to be somewhere that isn't permanently on his phone amd somewhere where he doesn't have to delete the messages. I mean, I wouldn't really want anyone to know I was texting me either. Or should I say texting Evan Hansen? I'm not really sure-"

 

Evan stopped talking when he clicked opened his email to find a new message.

 

**connorcandraw!:** yeah sorry I have a flip phone so it's annoying to type

 

_I don't think I've ever felt as relieved as I do in this moment._

 

That was, of course, a lie. Evan has definitely felt more relieved than he does in this moment, but that didn't stop him from relaxing.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Why do you still have a flip phone?

 

**connorcandraw!:** because theyre cool? idk

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Fair enough.

 

**TressAreSoft:** You can draw?

 

**connorcandraw!:** not really

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Then why is your name **connorcandraw**?

 

**connorcandraw!:** its **connorcandraw!** * and its a long story

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I don't think I'm sleeping anytime soon, so feel free to share :)

 

Evan mentally scolded himself. _That doesn't sound desperate at all._

 

**connorcandraw!:** dammit hansen I knew you were an emoticon user 

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Not really, I only use :)

 

**TreesAreSoft:** and :(

 

**TreesAreSoft:** and maybe a couple more.

 

**connorcandraw!:** *squints* I got my eyes on you, hansen.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Like the view?

 

_OH NO, NO, NO. I DID NOT JUST SEND THAT!_ Evan thought in a panic.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Tgat soibds lije flittong, byt I'm npt flirying I'n just measing atiumd with ypu bevause I rhought that'd be a funmy koke. Dod you lsugg? I hope you laighrd. Necaude I laufhes, thqt was finny. Hajahaga.

 

Evan forgot to fix his typos because he was so nervous and had a horrible tremble passing through his whole body.

 

**connorcandraw!:** dude i cant read anything you just sent u okay?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I shake a lot so I usually get a lot of typos but I spell check before I send it, and I forgot to that time, sorry.

 

**connorcandraw!:** youre good no worries

 

**connorcandraw!:** ik that u can apparently stay up all night like batman but I need my beauty sleep

 

**connorcandraw!:** gn

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Gn.

 

Evan shut his laptop closed and covers his hands with his face and let's out a long, deep sigh.

 

He plops onto his bed and tries to fall asleep.

 

Unfortunately, Evan never did have much luck with "trying to fall alseep."

 

As the clock struck four, the only thought in Evan's mind was, _Batman doesn't stay up all night._

 

_~_

 

Surprisingly, Evan was actually able to catch some sleep.

 

"Better than what I usually get," he mumbles groggily.

 

It takes him a whole minute of staring at his clock before he realized what time it was.

 

"It's almost ten thirty! I, I skipped class! What's Mom going to say? I should call her. Where's my phone?" As Evan hopped out of bed and practically lunged into the kitchen, frantically looking for his phone until he finds a note from Heidi.

 

"Hey, hon. Saw you sleeping for the first time in a while and decided that you need the rest. I already called your school, so don't worry. But you have to tell me, are the pills finally working? Love, Mom."

 

Evan felt guilty for making his mom call the school, but he couldn't have been more relieved by the fact that he didn't have to see her off to work in the morning.

 

"Wait, what am I supposed to do now? I did all my homework. I guess I could clean the house, but that wouldn't be much fun. Going somewhere isn't even an option. I guess I could work on a letter and figure it out later . . ."

 

As he opened his laptop, he noticed that he got a new email.

 

**TheicJK:** yo, heard you were sick, are you okay?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Why didn't you just text me?

 

**TheicJK:** because I saw that Connor guy emailing you in first period. why did you give that dude your email? did he beat it out of you? why are you talking to him?

 

**TreesAreSof** t: No, I gave to him because he asked like a normal person. And talking to him is better than talking to a guy who's only friends with you for his car insurance. Get back to class.

 

**TheicJK:** touché, Hansen. touché

 

Evan frowned. He never got an email from Connor. 

 

He opens up his chat with Connor amd quickly sends a text before he can regret it.

 

**TreesAreSof** t: Hey

 

" _Hey"? Are you kidding me? You couldn't even send a proper conversation starter? Ugh._

 

However, before Evan could start a long, rambling apology text, Connor replied.

 

**connorcandraw!:** hey that ass jared said u stayed home sick

 

**connorcandraw!:** u good?

 

_Connor is worried about me?_ Evan couldn't help but smile at the thought.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Yeah, I'm good. My mom let me stay home because I finally got some sleep.

 

**connorcandraw!:** damn i wish my mom would let me skip class and sleep but she just yells at me when i do that

 

**connorcandraw!:** to be fair tho all i do is sleep and skip class

 

**connorcandraw!:** do u want to hang with me?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** You'd be skipping class.

 

**connorcandraw!:** its better than me sitting next to jared for another 3 hours and disrupting the class

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Oh, okay, good point.

 

**connorcandraw!:** ikr also ill come pick u up whats ur address?

 

**TreesAreSof** t: ×××× Avenue

 

**connorcandraw!:** k ill be there in 10

 

Evan closed the laptop with a large sigh.

 

_How am I supposed to meet up with him and talk to him without it being awkward? I could barely talk in full sentences last time. I could say that I really don't feel well, but ditching someone like that is just rude and I don't want to seem rude. I said rude twice in that sentence, I don't think thats a good thing. Too repetitive. Maybe I could reword that sentence . . ._

 

Evan shook his head, trying to stop his mind from going even further off track.

 

"Just go. He's coming to pick you up and you already agreed. Well, I mean, you never said yes, but you never said no. Then again, is that really agreeing to something?" He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed the heel of his palms against them. "Shut up already, Evan. Just go!"

 

Evan grabbed his keys and jacket and flew out the door, only to remember that Connor was picking him up.

 

~

 

As I pull up into his drive way, I see Evan sitting at the porch waiting for me.

 

It's a really nice scene with a good background, so I can't help but snap a quick photo of him with my old camera before he notices I'm here.

 

"Yo!" I shout, waving my hand out the window.

 

Hansen instantly jumps up in surprise and maybe embarrassment.

 

"H-hey, Connor," he says with a small wave and smile and I swear my heart clenches.

 

I pat the passenger seat. "Hop in, mi amigo."

 

I internally cringe at myself. _Mi amigo? Really?_

 

Evan doesn't seem to care, so I let myself off easy.

 

As he gets himself settled in, I can't help but stare.

 

He's wearing his usual outfit of a blue striped shirt and khakis, but it looks like he didn't brush his hair this morning, and honestly, his ruffled hair is so cute, I just want to reach out and pet it.

 

I obviously don't because that would weird him out and who wants to have their hair touched by the freak?

 

Evan notices that I'm staring and starts fidget uncomfortably.

 

_Great, you're being a freak anyway, Connor._

 

"So, where, where are we g-going?" Evan asks with obvious discomfort.

 

I force a chuckle. "Relax, Hansen. We're just going to the flower shop. I figured I'd work a bit since I'm not at school and you can look at the trees."

 

Evan instantly relaxes and brightens up. "Oh, okay. That sounds fun."

 

I wish I made him that relaxed. He didn't even stutter when talking that time.

 

"Yeah, but my weed stash is there and I need a smoke, so there's that too."

 

_You basically just told him you don't give a shit about him._

 

I hear myself ask, "What  music do you like?" But it's not like I'm going to play any, his taste is probably too different from mine.

 

"D-don't make fun of me, or, uh, anything. O-okay?"

 

_There's nothing to be ashamed about, its just your taste in music._

 

I raise my right hand defensively while still keeping my eyes on the road."Okay, I won't make fun," 

 

"I, uh, I like p-punk rock ba-bands like, um, Fall Out, Fall Out Boy, MCR, P-panic! and uh, you kn-know, others like, like them."

 

I'm taken aback by his answer. In all honesty, I was expecting maybe country, or soul. Or even pop. Definitely not punk rock.

 

"Dude, why would I make fun of you? Those bands are awesome," 

 

He scratches his neck. "I dunno. When, when I told Jared, he called me an, an emo shit. So, I thought, um, m-maybe you think the same."

 

I scoff. "Why would I do that?" I ask that, but I know where he's coming from. In Evan's mind, I'm not exactly the nicest person.

 

_Monster._

 

I shake my head a bit, and turn on my car's stereo, knowing exactly What album would play.

 

Evan gasps. "The Black Parade!"

 

I smile at his reaction. "If you're an emo shit, that I'm an emo shit too,"

 

I turn up the volume and keep my eyes focused on the road, but in the corner of my right eye, I can see Evan's small smile.

 

~

 

We stand at the front entrance of the flower shop, Evan staring off into space, and me, smoking.

 

I take a deep drag and watched the smoke puff out from my mouth.

 

"What's you favorite flower?" 

 

I give Evan a quick glance. "What?"

 

"Well, you know, you, you work in a f-flower shop, so I, I figured you had a favorite fl-flower."

 

_I'm just surprised you A. Spoke first and B. Didn't stutter._

 

"Well, I like daffodils."

 

The confused look on Evan's face is what encourages me to explain myself.

 

_I'm not just a heartless monster._

 

"I like them because they symbolize rebirth and eternal life, but at the same time, they symbolize unrequited love. If you give somebody one daffodil, it mean misfortune. If you give them a whole bouquet, it means joy and happiness. They mean a lot of different things depending on how you use them and I think that's cool."

 

The look on his face, now a shocked one, makes me regret ever opening my mouth.

 

"You really studied up on flowers."

 

_Because they're beautiful, unlike me._

 

I shrug. "If I'm gonna have the job, I should commit."

 

I throw the butt of my joint on the ground and step on it.

 

"What's yours?"

 

Evan does his little panicked awkward shrug thing before answering. 

 

"Never really gave it much thought. Which is weird because I give everything much thought. Uh, I meant a lot of thought. Much thought isn't a proper wording. Sentence?"

 

His stutter free rambling catches me off guard.

 

_Guess if he can't stutter, he'll ramble._

 

"Well, we're at a flower shop anyway, might as well find out," I say as I hold open the door for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ! Look at who's back at it with another chapter! It's me. Yep. sorry this one is kinda "late" I guess. I was having a lot of trouble writing the ending because originally it was supposed to be something VERY different with a lot of Jared, but then I turned it into something angsty, but angsty on the 3rd chapter is just too much. Also, for anyone who's gonna eat my brain out about Evan's music taste, just shh. I'm not pushing my music taste onto them, I did it for a reason, and let me tell you why. Ik having anxiety can make your brain go in 30 different directions at once, and some voices that aren't particularly the nicest ones to listen to are the loudest so loud music will drown it out. Second, he can relate to the lyrics. Third reason, Evan would've researched the band members and once he found out what they've gone through, he'd relate to the lyrics even more. Also, Connor having a flip phone is just a weird headcanon I have that I'll put reason into later. See you next chapter!


	4. Whole Wheat Vegan Spinach Lasagna

"Where were you yesterday? The school called saying you missed all your afternoon classes."

"I was with a friend."

Several things happen at once.

Larry spits out his coffee, Cynthia almost drops her plate, and Zoe snorts louder than I thought possible.

"Yeah right. You probably went and bought some crack this time," Zoe says with a cold voice.

I grit my teeth to stop myself from yelling a few choice words at her. "No, I was actually with a friend. And you know I hate crack."

This time, Cynthia does drop her plate. "You've had crack?!"

Oops. Didn't mean to let that slip.

Her wide, worried eyes make me regret letting that out even more than the fear of Larry's lecturing.

Then again, Larry didn't even look up from his coffee, so I guess he wasn't surprised.

"You know what, I don't want to know." Cynthia says while making a clearing hand motion.

"Okay, thats great, so I'm just gonna-"

"But do you really have a friend?"

I stare at her for a bit, trying to get this snapshot of her face memorized into my brain.

Her face has a small smile that threatens to turn into a grin if you say the right thing. Her eyes have this big, hopeful sparkle that says they already know good news is coming.

I scratch the back of my neck awkwardly. "Yeah I have a friend."

I swear to god, if you conpared her smile to the sun, her smile would be a hundred times brighter.

"What's their name?"

Now its my turn to be surprised. I thought they'd be too excited and happy by the fact that I actually have a friend to care about who they are.

I almost don't tell them, but I know if I do that they'll think I'm lying.

"His name is Evan Hansen."

A cold, slightly hysterical laugh pierces the air. "Evan Hansen? The guy you pushed down on the first day of school? Don't feed us bullshit."

I feel my cheeks go red, even though I beg them not to. Traitors.

"Well, Zoe, I apologized and then we talked and he found out I wasn't a freak."

"Oh yeah?"

My hand clench into fists.

"Yeah, actually. That's what actually happened. Believe it or not, I can be nice."

_Does Evan think I'm a freak? I'm still not sure._

Zoe's eyes lock with mine and I know what's she's going to say before she even opens her mouth.

"And what are you gonna do when he finds out that you're a fucking monster?"

I know where her anger and hatred comes from, so I can't find it in me to hate her or those words.

_It's because you know she's right._

I keep our eyes locked for another heartbeat before I look down and find my shoes super interesting.

I was about to say something, but thank god, Cynthia chose this moment to speak because the last thing I want to do is reply to that.

"Zoe, don't say that! That is going too far!"

Zoe's face goes from cold, all knowing god to hot, white fury.

"No it's not. You know it's not."

Cynthia decides this comment isn't worth replying to and turns to face me again.

"Why don't you invite him to dinner?"

"Uh, I don't. I'm not sure what he would say . . ."

"You could ask, couldn't you?"

The desperation in her voice is the only thing stopping me from saying no.

"Yeah I'll ask."

That smile again. The smile that puts the sun to shame.

"I'm off to school then."

"What?"

Now it's Zoe's turn to be surprised.

"You're going to school?"

I'm not surprised at her reaction.

"Yeah. Got a problem?"

She doesn't say anything, she just walks past me.

"If you're not coming, I'm leaving without you."

I take this as a truce and grab my bag and hurry after her.

~

Evan looks up in shock as he sees me slam my lunch tray next to his and sit down.

"Hey."

I offer no explanation and hope he won't tell me to leave.

Oddly enough, his expression says he wants the opposite. He looks genuinely happy that I sat next to him. _Me._ The School Freak.

"Hey."

I was hoping for a comfortable silence to fill the space, but instead it's an awkward one.

"So, my mom wants to invite to dinner."

Evan stops picking at his food and stares at me.

"You don't have to come. She got excited because I have a friend. If you're uncomfortable, just say so."

It's odd how nice I am around him. I'm treating him like he's made of glass. But in all honesty, to me, he's basically made of glass.

"No, no. I, um, I want to go. It, it s-sounds nice. W-what she, er, like?"

"My mom?"

"Y-yeah."

I pause for a second. What is my mom like? I've never given the question much thought.

"She's you're average mom. She cooks, she cleans, she, uh, she wants to take you to therapy when you need to. Even if your dad says no. She has a smile that's brighter than the sun. She really tries, even if it doesn't always work. She's, uh, she's a good mom. I guess."

I refuse to look at Evan. I don't want to know what expression he has.

"Wow, sh-she sounds, uh, really gr-great."

I hear him fidgeting with his napkin.

"Yeah. She. Uh. She. Yep."

"I'll go."

This time, I have to face him.

"For real?"

Evan crumples and tears at his napkin.

"Yeah, sure. Why not? Your mom seems nice. Even though your dad, um, I don't really know what to think about him. Your sister's great. You're nice. My mom's not going to be home anyway, so what's the point of staying there, so yeah. I'll go."

_I don't think anyone has called me nice in over a decade._

"Thanks."

"It's, it's no big."

~

It's just my luck that the moment Evan and I walk in, my parents are in the middle of an argument with each other.

I clear my throat for their attention. "Mom, Dad, this is Evan Hansen."

Evan gives them a little wave and they instantly straighten up.

"Hello, Evan dear, I'm Cynthia. It's so nice to meet you!"

She goes straight in for a hug and I think this is moment that makes Evan truly regret meeting me.

"Hi, I'm Larry." He holds out his hand.

That's so simple. So Larry.

Evan hurriedly wipes his hand on his jeans before returning the handshake.

"It's, uh. It's n-nice to me-meet both of, of you."

Evan's forced smile makes me want to cry. This is a disaster.

"Oh, Zoe! Just in time. Come say hi to Evan."

Zoe ignores Cynthia and makes a beeline straight to Evan.

"Is he making you do this? Did he threaten to beat you up? Did he steal something important from you? You don't have to be here if he's doing something."

I feel my anger rising up to levels I didn't even know existed.

_That's a lie. Don't you remember all those times?_

"Zoe, you bitch. I'm not holding him captive or any shit like that. He's here because he's my fucking friend."

That annoying snort she always does when I'm around.

"Right, because people are just _dying_ to be your friend."

The words burn with truth in my ear.

Her eyes ablaze with self righteousness.

I open my mouth and hear shouting, but for once, it's not me.

"Would you both stop it?! I'm here because I'm Connor's friend and Mrs. Murphy invited me! I'm not here because he forced me to!"

Zoe stares at Evan with wide eyes and her jaw basically brushing the floor.

I would laugh at her, but I'm pretty sure that I don't look any better.

Evan's face instantly turns beet red once he realizes what he just did.

"I, I, I meant. I meant that, um. Uh. Let's. Uh. L-let's um, let's eat."

He pulls the chair away from the table so fast, it almost falls, and sits down with the stiffest shoulders I've ever seen.

I'm tempted to tell him he's in my seat just to see how he'll react, but I decide to give him a break and plop down next to him.

In Zoe's seat.

I smirk as she glares at me and sits in Cynthia's usual spot.

"So, Evan. What do you like?"

Evan looks up at Larry.

"Huh?"

"What do you like to do?"

Larry's tense form tells me he thinks Evan might be a junkie.

I'm tempted to roll my eyes so bad, but I don't want Evan to know what Larry's thinking.

"I, I l-like trees."

"Trees?"

He's started wringing his hands.

"I worked as a park ranger over the summer and I learned a lot about trees. They're really cool, you know? I have this whole collection at home. I have maybe twenty trees? They're all little ones so I can fit them all in my house. Like bonsai trees. I want to start planting bigger trees in our backyard. Like oak, or maple. Or cherry. Especially cherry! I love the way the blossom petals cover everything in Spring. But our backyard is really small, I'm not sure how many trees I could plant in it."

Evan spoke so fast, he was barely able to catch a breath.

_Stutter and stumble or ramble._

Larry drops his fork.

"Okaaaay, dinner's ready!"

Cynthia to the rescue. Again.

She sets her famous whole wheat vegan spinach lasagna on the table.

_Oh joy._

"If you don't like it, there's some spaghetti and sauce."

_Hell yes._

I'm already reaching for the spaghetti.

"You, you made this?"

I pause with my fork halfway to my mouth.

Evan's eyes are full of amazement and wonder. Almost like he's never seen a home cooked meal before.

He probably hasn't.

Cynthia smiles and nods. "It took me all day, but yeah, I did."

"Well, if, if you don't m-mind, I'd l-like, uh, a big ser-serving of it."

Cynthia's smile grows wider. "Of course I don't mind, dear."

I never thought I'd see anyone smiling while eating whole wheat vegan spinach lasagna, but Evan _did._

A small smile grows on my face.

_He fits right in here._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the 2 day late update. Shit was happening and let's just say I was busy. Hope you like this chapter and are excited for more because more is coming whether you like it or not. And if anyone is waiting for that angst chapter, stop waiting, it's never coming. This is all fluff. And if I'm lying, may Faist strike me dead. _starts choking_  
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> But no, seriously, its only chapter 4 stop expecting angst to happen so soon.


	5. Wallflowers, Lilies, and Lesbians?

I hear the doorbell ring and get up to answer the door, wondering who the hell would come to our house and ring the doorbell?

 

_Maybe it's Evan?_

 

I shake my head, dismissing the crazy idea. Evan would text me fifty times before coming over to make sure that I was home and that it would be okay to come over.

 

_Did Zoe get herself locked out it something?_

 

But no, Zoe was in her room practicing for jazz band. Even if she did lock herself out, she would've pounded at the door, screaming my name, and cursing my existence until I opened the door. No way she'd use the doorbell.

 

_Does my supplier know my address? Why would they be here though?_

 

My question answers itself as soon as I open the door.

 

"Alana Beck. What are doing at my house?"

 

The smile on her face droops, just a little, but then she smiles so wide that I'm afraid her jaw will tear off.

 

"Connor! Can I call you Con-con? Or would that be too weird?"

 

Honestly, I never know how to act around Alana, she just really freaks me out, so my asshole levels reach over nine thousand whenever she talks to me and I regret it a lot later because she's really trying to be nice, but I don't know what else to do.

 

_No, that's kinda weird and makes me uncomfortable._

 

"Absolutely fucking not. That sounds disgusting. Why would anyone come up with that nickname?"

 

I can't tell if she's really sensitive, easily annoyed, or what, because she keeps it up with that five hundred Watt smile.

 

"I heard that you recently got released from the hospital."

 

_Oh, yeah. Why are you here though?_

 

"Well, no shit, Sherlock. Now, what do you _want?"_

 

That smile still hasn't faded and by now, it's making me seriously uncomfortable.

 

"I came to see how you're doing. I also brought a little 'get well gift.' Well, actually, I guess by now it's a 'glad you're feeling better gift.'"

 

I'm so taken aback, even my asshole defenses go down.

 

"A, a present? F-for me? Like, Connor Murphy? Are you sure you got one for me and not Zoe or Larry?"

 

Alana laughs, and it's a nice laugh. A really nice laugh. A loud laugh, but not the obnoxious kind. It was kind of a musical laugh? 

 

_Is that a thing?_

 

Basically, if a piano could laugh, it would sound like Alana's laugh. If that makes any sense.

 

"Of course it's for you. I'm pretty sure I only know one Connor Murphy,"

 

_She actually got me something? Why would she do that?_

 

"Oh, uh, thanks, but you really didn't have to."

 

She stares at me for a second, surprise evident on her face.

 

"Did you just thank me?"

 

I give her a small glare. "What's that supposed to mean?"

 

She gives me a small, genuine smile. I like it a lot more than her usual smile.

 

"You're just usually very rude to me. Sorry if that made you uncomfortable."

 

_Of course she's surprised you know basic manners. What else do you expect from the way you treat her?_

 

I laugh weakly and scratch my neck, waiting for my assholeness to come back and to disappoint Alana. To make that hope for me in her eyes to die.

 

It doesn't and we just stand in awkward silence for a few minutes.

 

"Well," she says, while reaching into her purse. "I got you a book. I remember when I first saw you with this book. Some kid pushed you over and ripped up your copy. You must've read it a lot, because it looked like it was barely being held together.

 

_I like how she doesn't mention that I started it and the one that needed to go to the nurse was not me._

 

My breath catches when I see the book.

 

'The Perks of Being a Wallflower."

 

Alana nods. "Yup! I didn't see you reading it any more, so I just guessed you never bought another copy."

 

I'm honestly speechless.

 

_I didn't know that anyone cared that much about me._

 

I feel the tears beginning to form in my eyes and a soreness in my throat, the kind that only come pre-tears.

 

"Alana . . . thanks. This is," I pause. "This is really nice of you."

 

_No one's been this nice to me in years._

 

She beams. "You're welcome!" Here, take it."

 

As I reach for the book, I hear footsteps.

 

"Alana, stay away from him. He's probably going to murder you and leave your body in a dark alleyway."

 

I roll my eyes. "I'm not a murder, but I think I smell the dead body you hid in your closet." I pretend to sniff the air around Zoe. "Oh, wait, no. That's just your bullshit."

 

She pushes me with more strength than I thought she had and I fall to the floor.

 

_She's in jazz band, stupid. They have to march around for hours playing music, of course she's strong. And it's not like you're exactly heavy. Wait, does jazz band march around or is that just normal band?_

 

Zoe grabs the book from Alana's hand, and then takes her actual actual hand.

 

"You don't deserve anything this good from Alana," she turns to Alana and smiles. "Sorry about that, Alana. Let's go to my room."

 

Zoe practically drags Alana into her room.

 

"Sorry, Connor," Alana mouths to me, right before Zoe slams the door shut behind them.

 

I sigh and get up.

 

_She's right, you know. You don't deserve anything as thoughtful as that from Alana._

 

Even though I'm telling myself that, I'm still angry at her.

 

"Of course when someone does something nice for me, Zoe has to barge in and shit on it!"

 

"Alana bought that for me! As a get well gift. Not for you." I mumble angrily.

 

I pick myself off the ground, grab my keys to leave for work. 

 

I glare angrily at Zoe's door and leave the house, slamming the door behind me. But not before I flip off the first picture of Zoe I see.

 

~

 

"Connor Murphy. What are you doing working in a small flower shop like this?"

 

I know that voice. I would know that voice from anywhere.

 

"Jared Kleinman." I spit out, making sure to put every ounce of anger, disgust, and spite I feel into those two words.

 

"In the flesh," he says while bowing.

 

"Did you seriously come here, to my part time job while I'm working, just to make fun of me? Was it _really_ worth the gas you spent?"

 

"First of all, you didn't seem to be doing much working," he gestures at the empty store. "And second, I came here to buy flowers. I could give less than half a shit about whether you're here or not."

 

I roll my eyes so hard, I'm slightly worried they'll just roll into my brain and . "You just _happe_ n to come to the store where I work, and you just _happen_ to walk in during my shift?"

 

Jared does his weird ass shrug with that unique "Jared" look on his face.

 

I hate his "Jared" face. I hate his face in general. I hate _him_ in general.

 

"Stranger things have happened, freak. Have you not seen Stranger Things?"

 

_Of course I have, who the fuck hasn't seen Stranger Things?_

 

I slam my fist on the counter. "Don't call me a freak!"

 

Jared holds his hands up defensively. "Chill. Relax."

 

I glare at him. "Don't tell me what to do." I grit out.

 

"Dude, it's not like I came here to make fun of you. Try to be more chill. I suggest getting stoned in your basement, but it looks like you already do that."

 

I'm about to beat the shit out of him, when I realize something.

 

"Did you just . . . did you just make two Be More Chill references?"

 

His slightly pink faces answers my question.

 

"Damn. Who would've thought. Jared Kleinman, a musical geek."

 

"W-well," he sputters. "If you know what Be More Chill is, then you're a musical geek yourself!"

 

"And a proud one," I smirk.

 

"Whatever. Just pass me some lilies so I can pay and leave."

 

"Whatever you say, Mr. Kleinman."

 

As he pays and practically flies out the door with his lilies clutched in his hand, I realize he wasn't being as asshole-y as usual.

 

_Who is giving those lilies to?_

 

~

 

**connorcandraw!:** yo hansen i heard that fireworks are going off later

 

**connorcandraw!:** wanna be my date?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** You mean this literally or as in friends?

 

**connorcandraw!:** jesus evan at least take me to dinner 1st

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Leave me alone, I thought you might've been serious.

 

_What if I was being serious?_

 

**connorcandraw!:** i am being serious. do you wanna go see the fireworks with me or no?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Sure. And woah, you used a period and a question mark.

 

**connorcandraw!:** i used a question make earlier. you didn't say anything about that.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Yeah, but that was only once. The other time, you had two things. What next? Are you going to start properly capitalizing things?

 

**connorcandraw!:** likE tHis?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** NO. STOP.

 

**connorcandraw!:** stOp Wut?

 

I feel a small smile grow on my face, and can't help it from growing bigger.

 

_This boy is so good yet not good for me._

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I'm going to kill you and then kill myself if you don't stop.

 

**connorcandraw!:** oh no dont do that

 

**TreesCanDraw:** Nice to know that you care.

 

**connorcandraw!:** i care a lot . . .

 

**connorcandraw!:** about cats.

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I would be angry, but cats are too beautiful.

 

_Good. Because if you didn't like cats, I was going to disown you. Just kidding, you're my only friend._

 

**connorcandraw!:** thats what i thought

 

**connorcandraw!:** what time am i picking you up?

 

**TreesAreSoft:** What time do the fireworks start?

 

**connorcandraw!:** its the autumn festival so the fireworks start @ 8

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I can't believe it's already October 

 

**connorcandraw!:** i think you mean only

 

**TreesAreSoft:** I wish you could see me rolling my eyes right now.

 

_I wish I could see you, that's why I want to go to the festival with you._

 

**TreesAreSoft:** Can you pick me up at seven?

 

**connorcandraw!:** sounds good to me. see ya

 

**TreesAreSoft:** See you.

 

~

 

As I walk up the porch and knock on the door, I realize something's different.

 

There's another car in the drive way.

 

_Maybe his mom is home tonight? But then, why'd he want to spend it with me on her only free night?_

 

For the second time today, my queid answered when the door is opened.

 

"Connor Murphy! What took you so long?"

 

I flip him off and walk right in.

 

"Evan? You ready?"

 

"I, I'm ready!

 

When he walks out of his room, I want to give him a small smile, but that ass is here.

 

"Um, so. C-connor. Jared knonted to wow if he, I-I mean, Jared w-wanted to kn-know if he, if he could come with, with us. Is kat othay? I mean! Uh-"

 

I cut him off. "Wait, what?" 

 

"Didn't you hear, dingus? I'm coming with you two."

 

"Why?!"

 

He does his shrug thingy with the "Jared" look _again._

 

"To make sure neither of you lose your virginity tonight?"

 

"Jared!" Evan says as his face becomes a dark shade of red.

 

"I've, I've really had e-enough of you conappropriate inamments!"

 

Jared raises an eyebrow in a really, _really_ annoying way that makes me want to bash his skull in.

 

"Conappropiate inamments? What's that?"

 

Honestly, I don't even know how it's possible for Evan's face to become an even _darker_ shade of red, but it does.

 

"You, you. You kn-know what I, uh, meant."

 

Something's off about Evan tonight and it takes me a while to figure it out before it hits me.

 

_His stuttering and stammering was getting better around me, but tonight it seems to have gone on full blast because of this asshole._

 

My fists curl into balls and I feel anger pulsing through my veins.

 

_I'm going to kick him in the groin so hard, he'll never be able to have kids._

 

But all it takes is one look at Evan's shaking form to stop.

 

_I don't know why, but his anxiety is extra high around this asshole, so it's better if I don't make him scared of me too._

 

_Don't be a monster._

 

"Whatever. But you're sitting on the back."

 

Jared rolls his eyes. "Whatever."

 

~

 

"I'm going to go buy a candy apple because I'm hungry. You two are free to do other stuff in the name of hunger while I'm gone."

 

I wanted to smack him for such a disgusting comment and for making Evan visibly uncomfortable.

 

I sigh. "Jared. What a guy."

 

"I think you mean, 'what an asshole'" Evan corrects.

 

I smile weakly. "Yeah, I did mean that, actually."

 

"How do you know him?"

 

"Well, we're family friends, so I've known him since diapers. We got along really well till eighth grade, but some drama happened and you know. We drifted. He makes fun of me, I hate him. It's really annoying when you have three classes with him. And when he always sits next to you at lunch. And he always follows you. Honestly, he always brags about his many friends, but where are they? If you have so many, why are you harassing me? Honestly, I just want him to leave me alone but it's not like I can talk to my mom about it, and definitely not his mom either. So, I'm stuck with him until college, I suppose."

 

_He's rambling. Is he going to be okay?_

 

"Sounds terrible."

 

"Yeah. Hey, um, I have to use the bathroom, so just wait here for me, okay?"

 

_Bathroom. That doesn't sound good. Should I follow? Or would that be too much? Maybe it's really just a normal trip to the bathroom and I'm just over thinking._

 

"Of course. It's not like I know anyone else here."

 

He smiles and walks away in search of a bathroom.

 

"You know," I say, while lighting a joint. "If you want to be his friend, maybe you should stop being such an asshole. You heard him, he's sick of it."

 

As soon as I finish that sentence, the rustling in the bush next to me stops.

 

I smirk, and mumble quietly to myself. "You think you're all that, Kleinman, but I got you figured out."

 

I crush the butt of joint with the heel of my boot and wait silently for Evan to return.

 

~

 

"Wait, where did Jared go?" Evan asks as he walks towards me.

 

I shrug. "Dunno, don't care."

 

"We should look for him."

 

I give him a look of surprise and wait for an explanation.

 

"He just. He was just really excited for today."

 

_Well, geez, Evan. I was excited for today, but I'm not bullying you._

 

I can't help those bitter thoughts from invading my mind, but I quickly agree with him.

 

"Do you want to spilt up or stick together?"

 

He puts a look of determination that I've never seen on him before.

 

"We should spilt up, it'll be faster."

 

Before I can agree with him, he runs right and doesn't look back.

 

_He wasn't stuttering, stammering, stumbling, or rambling_

 

~

 

"Kleinman, where the fuck are you?!" I shout through my cupped hands.

 

I hear a rustling in the bush next to me and basically rip the bush from it's roots.

 

"Kleinman? Is that you? I swear to fucking god is you don't-"

 

It's not Kleinman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw, geez. I'm finishing this chapter to Waving Through a Window. Is there a better way to finish a chapter for Tree Bros? Anywaayyys. I know this chapter is two weeks late, and I'm so sorry! Honestly, I could blame it on my busy hectic life, but honestly, I was just really uninspired and in a really huge stump. Originally this chapter was supposed to be about some Jared angst and still kinda is. You'll see in the next chapter. The second thing this chapter was supposed to be was Connor's first therapy session, but I decided against it since I don't know much about what happens in therapy. I'm sorry this chapter is so shitty :') I really tried but I'm just so tired of rewriting scenes, so I'll post what I have and hope y'all like it. I hope this was a one time only stump and the next chapters will be better. Also, I'm really trying with the angst, but how do you write angst that isn't yours?


	6. Heter-Nobody is Anymore

It's not Kleinman.

 

I'll tell you what is it is though.

 

It's my sister on top of Alana Beck with her hand up her shirt.

 

"Well, damn."

 

Zoe scrambles off of Alana as quickly as she can and stands up, brushing the dirt off her pants.

 

"You can't tell Mom and Dad. Especially not Dad, or so help me, I _will_ slit your throat,"

 

I shove my hands in my pockets and pretend to think about it.

 

"Well, if I was scared about dying, I wouldn't have swallowed all those pills, now would I? But don't worry, your threat still makes me feel threatened. I won't tell Mom or Dad,"

 

Alana gets up and I can tell how relieved they are by how hard they're squeezing each other's hand.

 

Which is why I don't want to say the next part, but I just have to.

 

"But, lesbi-honest, we all gave up on you being straight."

 

"I'm not lesbian."

 

"I am, though," Alana chirps and I send a small smile her way.

 

"Gee, I sure hope I'm not dead _bi_ tomorrow morning!"

 

"I'm not bisexual either,"

 

_Don't think that I didn't see that eye roll._

 

"You fuck pans?" 

 

" _Wow,_ you don't even come up with a proper pun for my _actual_ sexuality,"

 

"Aha! So, you are pan!"

 

"So what if I am? It's not like you have the right to know or make jokes about it. While I was questioning my sexuality, you were _banging on my door threatening to fucking kill me._ So, just do yourself a favor and forget you ever saw us,"

 

_You're losing her. Say sorry. Say sorry. Say sorry. Say sorry. SAY SORRY._

 

"Wait!"

 

_That's not sorry._

 

_"_ I came here with Evan Hansen and Jared Kleinman and we kinda got separated. Will you help me look?"

 

_I know I sound desperate, but please don't_ _leave_ , _I'm still trying to say sorry._

 

"What? How could you lose track of your only friends?"

 

The look on her face pisses me off. Like she expected this happen sooner than later.

 

"Well, Miss Judgmental, Jared is not my friend, he is an asshole. And he went off to grab a fucking candy apple and disappeared. So, me and Evan spilt up to make it easier to find him,"

 

She eyed me for a second.

 

"Fine. We'll help you. But only for Evan. And you guys already had a smart plan. We'll just split up. Four people split up is better than two. Bye,"

 

And with that, she's gone, off to find Jared or Evan.

 

"I'm sorry about Zoe. She's just really, um. She has a lot of-"

 

"Righteous anger? Yeah, I know. I'm the heart of it."

 

I turn to face Alana, since, apparently, we're starting a conversation.

 

She looks visibly uncomfortable as she tried to defend Zoe.

 

"She's a good person. Really, she is,"

 

I laugh harder than I have in maybe years.

 

"I don't think anyone's actually found it necessary to remind _m_ e that _Zoe_ is a good person. You don't have to apologize for Zoe. Man, if she were here, she'd throw a hissy fit. I can't even count how many times she's apologized for me,"

 

"It's just, I know she can be extra with her anger, but she really does care about you. I can tell,"

 

I would laugh some more, but the look on her face tells me she's serious.

 

"Don't be so serious, Alana. Can I call you Lan-Lan? It's just Zoe being Zoe. We should start looking for Evan and Jared now,"

 

"Um, hold up," she starts rummaging in her _gigantic_ purse for something.

 

_You'd think Alana Beck would have a tiny purse with only the essentials, but apparently not._

 

"Here. I bought it for you, not Zoe,"

 

And for the second time today, I see Alana holding out The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

 

"Oh, um, you stole this back from Zoe for me?"

 

I wish this would make me speechless, but instead, it just helps me run my mouth.

 

"Won't she be mad at you? Maybe you should just give it back to her. Thank you though, this means a lot, but I don't really think I deserve it from you. I was a really big asshole around you. I still am. It's just that I haven't talked to you at all since coming back to school. And you're doing something nice to me today,"

 

I can tell how hard Alana's trying to hold in her laughter and I want to kill myself.

 

"How about, you pay me?"

 

_I'm glad she wants something so simple as money._

 

I start rummaging in my pocket. "Alright. How much do you want? I'm not sure how much I have, but-"

 

Alana starts laughing so hard, I wonder if she's okay.

 

"You, ha, thought I meant, pfft, money,"

 

"You . . . want a favor?"

 

She's on her knees holding her stomach and crying.

 

"A, a favor? Y-you really thought, thought that I wanted a favor?"

 

_Is she okay?_

 

_"_ Well, what _do_ you want?"

 

She holds up her hand as a signal for me to wait for her to catch her breath.

 

"An apology. Since you feel so bad about being an asshole, if you give me an apology, I'll give you this book, and we'll be friends,"

 

"I have anger issues,"

 

"I know,"

 

"I'm an asshole,"

 

"And I'm annoying,"

 

"I'm a monster,"

 

"No you're not,"

 

"You barely know me, you can't say that."

 

"Would a monster feel bad about being an asshole? No, they wouldn't. So, accept my offer. I want to be more than just your acquaintance. I don't have any friends, just Zoe. This way, we both can have one more friend,"

 

_It never occurred to me that Alana wouldn't have any friends either. She just seems so busy._

 

"I'm sorry, friend. For being an asshole." 

 

Her genuine smile hurt me.

 

_I'll disappoint you. Just like I have with every else. It's what monsters do. Please stop smiling like that. It'll only make thing worse._

 

"Well, friend, here's the book I bought you, because you got released from the hospital,"

 

I take the book and hold it carefully, almost as if it's a baby.

 

_Here is one thing I will_ not _break._

 

_"_ Thanks, friend,"

 

"I hope we become close enough friends to the point where we use our actually names instead of just calling each other 'friend' all the time,"

 

I smile and nod at that comment. Besides Evan, I'm not really used to people being kind to me or wanting to be my friend. 

 

_I don't know why you want to be my friend, but be prepared to be disappointed._

 

"I'm going to go look for Evan and Jared now. See you later, Con-Con,"

 

"See you, Lan-Lan,"

 

Another smile, and she's gone.

 

~

 

"What's the time? We're going to miss the fireworks,"

 

I check the time on my phone and groan. 

 

"It's already seven fourty eight. We won't be able to get a good spot!"

 

_The only place that I haven't looked is the lake. Might as well check it out._

 

As I approach the lake, I notice a figure on the shore.

 

"Goddammit, Kleinsen. Of course you're in the _one_ place no one's looked,"

 

I'm about to run over and kick the shit out of him, when I see someone else approach him.

 

"You, you always did like this lake,"

 

Now it's _my_ turn to hide in a bush and eavesdrop.

 

_Evan? Why hasn't he texted me yet?_

 

"Why aren't you texting Connor? I'm sure he doesn't want to watch the fireworks alone,"

 

_I can't believe I'm thinking this, but, thank you, Kleinman._

 

"Is-isn't it obvious? I want, want to talk t-to you,"

 

_About what?_

 

_"_ It's been four years and you're still holding a grudge? Jared, I'm sorry, but I couldn't see you like that. That doesn't give you any excuse to act like a total fucking cunt to me. Yes, I just cussed, I do that. I'm not just a punching dummy, or a crying kid, I'm seventeen. Anyways, I was just being honest, and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Well. actually, not really. I was telling you how I felt and and disregarded it and made me feel like a pile of shit for four years. So, do I really owe you an apology? Not really. We tried it out, and I just didn't see you as a boyfriend, and you tried to get out of my life. And that would've been _fin_ e, if only you didn't come back into to bully me."

 

_BOYFRIENDS?! SINCE WHEN?!_

 

Evan turns to face Jared and looks him right in the eye.

 

"So, what do you w-want from me? You're not the, not the only person I talk to anymore. I ha-have a friend, but wha-what about you?"

 

Jared doesn't say anything and just stares at the moon's reflection in water.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

I'm not sure who's more shocked, me or Evan.

 

"I'm sorry, alright? I just, I got so excited when you said yes. And I thought we. I thought we had something. I'd been pining since fifth grade, you know? So, when you said yes, I really thought that you felt the same, and it made me so happy. It made me so fucking happy. But, when you said you wanted to go back to being friends, my whole world fell apart,"

 

_I should really leave._

 

But even that thought doesn't convince me to leave my spot in the bushes, or to make myself known and possibly ruin the moment.

 

"Do you know what it's like to have your world fall apart?"

 

Evan picks up a pebble amd tosses it from hand to hand, watching as it makes perfect and imperfect arches.

 

"Does having your only, your only friend ab-abandon you qual-qualify?"

 

Jared chuckles. "It sure does."

 

If looks could kill, I would've killed Jared by now.

 

_Why the fuck are you chuckling, asshole?_

 

"I actually got over you sometime during the beginning of tenth grade, or at least thats when I realized I was over you. But, by then, it was too hard to stop. Or I was too petty to stop? I don't know. When I did try to approach you, I just, I dont know. I was scared. What if you didn't need me anymore? What if you didn't want me anymore? What if you hated me? So, instead of being you're friend, I became the person I knew you would hate. It was just, so much easier than saying sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! "

 

_Oh, fuck, is Kleinman crying?_

 

Indeed, he is. 

 

Evan himself looked surprised. Like, even he didn't think Kleinman would cry.

 

"I don't forgive you, I'm sorry."

 

"No, don't, don't apologize, Evan. You've literally done nothing wrong. I don't. I don't . . ."

 

"You're right. I did nothing wrong. B-but. I did noth-nothing right either. I, I _let_ you w-walk away. So, so, it's my fault, too. I'm s-sorry, Jared. You have no, have no rea-reason to forgive me, either. Can, can we start over?"

 

"Start over?"

 

_What kind of homosexual drama am I watching?_

 

"Ye-yeah. Clean slate. For, for both of us,"

 

Jared has a soft smile on his face. One that I've never seen before. It's not . . . asshole-y, it's . . . nice.

 

_Holy fuck, did I just call Kleinman's smile nice?_ Kleinman's _smile. Not Evan's or Alana's. Kleinman's._

 

He wipes away his tears with his sleeve and sniffles a bit.

 

"I'd like that . . ."

 

_I'm done waiting for them to kiss and makeup._

 

I'm already dialing Evan, when I hear it.

 

The boom of fireworks.

 

I look up as fast as I can while still keeping my head attached to my neck and sigh as I watch blue sparks burst across the dark, clouded sky.

 

"Might as well just join them at this point,"

 

I snap my phone shut, stand up, and walk over there.

 

"Hey, Evan, and Asshole. You actually chose a really good place to watch the fireworks. Why didn't you call me earlier?"

 

Evan doesn't hesitate to reply. 

 

"I just found Jared. I was a sec-second away from, from _texting_ you,"

 

_I guess he has the right to lie. It_ was _a private moment._

 

I still stare at him for a bit to see if he'll own up to the lie.

 

He doesn't.

 

"Guess I just have good timing, then,"

 

"I guess so,"

 

I shove my hands in my pockets and remember the old camera I have in my bag.

 

_It'd be a great opportunity . . ._

 

"Con-Con! Evan! Jared!"

 

I turn to see Alana and Zoe walking towards us.

 

Well, more like Alana's skipping/running towards us while Zoe is barely picking up her feet.

 

Alana seems to notice this, and grabs Zoe's hand, and starts to basically drag her the rest of the way.

 

"Con-Con?"

 

"You wipe that shit eating grin off your face, or so help me, Kleinman, I will punch it off,"

 

"Con-Con is a lovely nickname . . . that I will never use. Nope. Never."

 

I look down at Kleinman, who's a good head shorter than me.

 

"So, you and Evan?"

 

"What?! You heard?! How much?!"

 

_Poor, poor, embarrassed Kleinman. Your eyes are still puffy._

 

"Everything."

 

His eyes go wide and his cheeks go red. I almost feel bad for him.

 

"Everything? Even the . . ."

 

"Yes, even the crying."

 

"I was not crying!"

 

I roll my eyes.

 

"Sure you weren't."

 

"So, is Evan gay, or?"

 

Now its Kleinman's turn to roll his eyes.

 

"Of course _you_ would assume that. No, for your information, hetero, he's bi."

 

_Evan is bisexual . . . I don't know what to do with this information._

 

"Hey, Kleinman, I'm gay."

 

Four head whip in my direction, and I have the feeling I shouldn't have that said so casually.

 

"Dammit, Murphy, what _els_ e will we have in common? Goddammit, you _had_ to be gay? You couldn't be bi, or pan, or demi, or what ever the fuck else? You _had_ to be gay?"

 

I can _feel_ the prickliness in his words.

 

"Well, it's not like I _chos_ e to be gay just to spite you, I'm just, like this."

 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

 

I meet Zoe's glare and and shrug.

 

"You didn't tell me you were pan,"

 

Evan and Jared look like they're about to fall over.

 

"Murphy Jr. is pan?!"

 

"Yes, and please make sure to _never_ call me 'Murphy Jr.' again."

 

"But you're the little Murphy, so it makes sense,"

 

While Zoe and Jared bicker to the side, it looks like Alana is interrogating Evan.

 

Or, at least the expression on his face makes it seem like he is.

 

"What's your sexuality? Gay? Bi? Pan? Demi? Poly?"

 

"Uh, um, I'm, I'm, I'm bi."

 

"Oh, really? Thats cool! I'm a lesbian."

 

His face is definitely begging me to help, but there's something I have to do.

 

"I'm going to the bathroom, but guys, don't forget to look at the fireworks. One of the _only_ reason me, Jared, and Evan came."

 

"Whatever, douche. I hope you swallow your own piss!"

 

_Was that Kleinman it Zoe? Does it really matter?_

 

~

 

Once I'm far enough to be out of site, but not far enough to have a bad shot, I get my camera out.

 

"Four not-hereo teens chilling on a lake shore watching fireworks. That sounds pretty interesting,"

 

_Hetero? More like, hereo-nobody is anymore._

 

I can't help chuckling at that joke before taking a couple of shots.

 

"Is there really room for five?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! HI. TECHNICALLY, I DID UPDATE "NEXT" WEEK BECAUSE FOR ME THERE'S STILL 40 MINUTES BEFORE MIDNIGHT, SO SUCK IT!!!!! But, ahem, in all seriousness, I'm sorry about this chapter being out a but *6 days* late. I'll try to update on Monday or Tuesday to make up for it *but no promises, guys* so, what'd you think of this chapter? It was kind of a coming out, Jared redemption and back story chapter all wrapped together. I hope it doesn't feel rushed? And yes, I've made middle school Kleinsen a thing because I ship middle school Kleinsen but not present day Kleinsen for reasons. Also, if you're wondering when I'll make Connor more Connor, this is just how I imagine him when he's trying, based off the computer lab scene, but I am planning to have some angry Connor in here, so I hope you can wait for that. Sorry that this chapter might be shit? Thanks for reading and I'll see you *maybe* Monday.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So, this is my first work in a while and I thank everyone who took time to read it. Please be patient with me, I've barely written so my grammarand spacing will most likely be shit. I'm hoping I can make up for that with accurate characters, or a good plot, but we'll see. Constructive criticism is welcome. I'm always happy to get advice. See you next chapter!


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